Why are there always tough decisions

I seem to always start my blogs with good intentions, but seem to never follow through.  I guess that's how I feel about my life sometimes too.  I started this blog to hold myself accountable for weight struggles.  I have struggled more that I thought would have been possible.  I'm struggling even as we speak.  I have found myself gaining weight.  Which sucks, because there was a period of time where I was so proud of where I was.  I feel like I am on a never ending path and no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to catch the break I need.  I say every year I'm going to work harder than the last.  This year I'm not going to say that.  This year I am promising to try.  Try with all my might to achieve a goal I know I have to reach.  Not just for myself, but for all my family.  It seems that I have had an awakening again.  Not necessarily health related, but I guess in a sense it is.  We have now exhausted all of our possible reasons for why we cannot seem to get pregnant.  While we a fighting with a borderline low count issue the doctor feels it is not enough of an issue to prevent us from getting pregnant.  So I feel like the pressure to have a baby is back on me.  It's frustrating to see people around you pregnant and with their children, knowing that you long to have one, just one and that it may never happen.  Zach and I are now faced with the tough decision of what to do next.  My employer recently merged with a large hospital which took away many of my benefits, one of those benefits that I lost was being able to use my flex spending account for fertility treatments.  Seeing as we are now part of a Catholic Organization I lose the right to decide how the money that I put into that account is used because I am "messing with God's will."  I know everyone says it will happen if it's meant to or you just have to stop trying so hard, well we spent all last year not trying and guess what, it didn't happen.  There is a part of me that has decided that I would be ok if I never had a child.  Then I think about those older folks that I talk to on a daily basis that have no one to take care of them.  No one to fight for their rights or to stand up and speak for them.  I wonder if I never have any children who will do that for me?  I know it's a silly thing to think about now, but it's the truth.  So we are faced with now deciding what we are going to do.  I am still paying on my hospital bill from last year, but we are going to pay that off and within a few months will have the ability to save money every month, something we have never been able to do.  We had talked about getting me a Harley with this extra money, but now that we are basically going to be out of pocket for any fertility treatments we have to decide which is best for us.  One minute I feel like I will be fine never having kids.  We won't have the same freedom that we have grown accustom to over the last 11 years.  Then I watch Zach with his nephew and see just how much he loves that little guy and it breaks my heart that we may never get to know that kind of love ourselves.  It's honestly a catch 22 and there's no good answer.  So do we save all we can and try harder then we have ever tried to have a baby or do we enjoy our time that we have to ourselves.  Do I wait another year and work really hard on my weight and try next year.  Plus within another year I will be finished with school and have my bachelors degree.  I hope to work on my Master's degree one day.  I don't know what the correct answer it and I don't think I ever will.  I just needed to vent.  You will find that sometimes I write and it's just to clear my head.  I have so much going on in there that I need to release some of it.