Thursday, January 20, 2011
As the title reads I'm Back
Ok so if you've read my previous blog you know I wasn't the best about keeping it up. I can't promise I will be so much better with this one, but what I can say is I will make a conscious effort to try. I know that's not much of a promise, but it's about all I have to offer. So again if you have read any of my older blogs you know my husband and I have struggled with infertility. In some ways I think there is a reason God has not blessed us with children, but then there are days it's a real struggle for me because I just want a baby. No just any baby either. I want a baby that my husband and I created. I know that sounds so selfish and on those days, trust me...I'm selfish. Today is not one of those days. Today...I have a new plan. I'm going to work on things in my life that I think need fixed. For starters, my weight. Here I go admitting the truth...at 31 years of age I am 290lbs. Yes! I know...I'm sure you're make the same face I do every time I look at a scale. I can honestly say I don't EVER remember a time in my life when my weight hasn't been a struggle. So why am I telling you how much I weight, because starting today I'm holding myself accountable for that weight. There is no one else to blame but that plump face in the mirror. My goal with all of this is that I will not only lose weight and be accountable for any weight I gain, but maybe somewhere along the way I can help someone. For me the decision to lose weight was due to a major health scare. It's funny, but the thing that put me in the hospital was completely unrelated to my weight. But because of my weight and the meds I'm on, they just assumed I had Type II Diabetes. I don't, but I do take Metformin for my infertility diagnosis. I have PCOS. This syndrome causes insulin resistance. So yes, I'm at a higher risk for Type II DM, but I'm not there yet. The chance to have a baby is also what drives me to this new adventure. I'm hoping with some major weight loss I will be able to get pregnant. I'm not hold out hope for that to happen, but it would be nice if it did. So along the way I'm going to chronicle my journey. I know this is going to be a LONG difficult road, but it's one I have to do. At this point in my life I have no choice. So join me along the way. I will share any helpful tips I find. Also I'll give you updates about things in general. For me this blog is an outlet. You may not always agree with everything I say, and lots of times I second guess myself, but hang in there. Feel free to drop me an email at birdiejm@gmail.com if you have any tips you want to share. This should be a fun ride.
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I am so proud of you. Maybe if I could have gotten your dad to see things the same way he would still be here with us.
ReplyDeleteNo you are not being selfish in wanting your own biological child because I am the same way. Even though Ari is a part of my life and I love her I also yearn for my own grandchild. It also hurts me everytime I read about these people who abuse their children and these babies are dying and you can't have one.
Know that I will always be there for you and will back you in this venture.
I LOVE YOU,
Mom
Well, it's been nearly 11 years ago when you used to come over in the morning at 6:00 and we'd walk...things haven't turned out the way you thought they would in those 11 years but you still have lots of time to work on making those dreams come true.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't see the pounds dropping off as quickly as you'd like, remember that you didn't gain them overnight and it will take a lot of time and effort to lose them. I know you're not able to walk like we used to right now, but when you're ready, I'll walk with you again...of course, we'll have a little guy to keep us company.
As far as wanting a biological child...I've watched Zachary over the years with all of the little ones who've grown up in this house and he always had a wonderful relationship with them. He has a huge heart and would love any baby just as much as a biological one. I guess what I'm saying is that you should keep your heart open to adoption in case that possibility comes your way.
Please don't think that God doesn't want you to become a parent. Yes, I totally believe that God can grant miracles and you could conceive and then give birth; however, there are reasons that we just can't/won't know for now. Who knows, perhaps if you had gotten pregnant in the last year or two, it may have been too taxing for your heart-who knows how long your heart has been compromised and you've gotten the diagnosis that it was your asthma. A pregnancy may have put you over the edge.
I wish the answers were ours to know but as Christians, we know it doesn't work that way.
There is a story that talks about how things look differently from down here than they do to God. It's one of my favorites:
"The Plan of the Master Weaver
My life is but a weaving between the Lord and me,
I may not choose the colors,
He knows what they should be
For He can view the pattern upon the upper side,
While I can see it only on this, the under side…
Sometimes He weaveth sorrow, which seemeth strange to me,
But I will trust His judgement, and work on faithfully,
‘Tis He who fills the shuttle, and He knows what is best,
So I shall weave in earnest, leaving to Him the rest…
Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why -
The dark threads are as needed in the Weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD,
which made heaven and earth.
He will not suffer thy foot to be moved:
He that keepeth thee will not slumber.
Behold, He that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is thy keeper:
The LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil:
He shall preserve thy soul.
The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth,
And even forevermore."
There's another version that I like better but I can't find it right now so I'll give you the abbr. version:
A child is sitting at her mother's feet as she sits and embroiders a tapestry. She looks up and sees knots and threads going every which way and she can't imagine how this mess is ever going to come together to look like anything beautiful. Her mother, however, is looking at the top of the tapestry and she is seeing how each thread serves a purpose to be part of the picture. Each knot represents an ending or a beginning when that thread had to stop its job or begin its job.
So, you see, everything that you've gone through or are going to go through may not make sense to you but God knows...God sees...God understands...and God hurts right along with you.
May this be the beginning of a thread in your life that will lead to much happiness, much fulfillment, and much peace.
Hey Hun!
ReplyDeletethe desire for me to have "our" own child drove me to lose weight too. I was "going" to lose weight, I was "going" to have a baby of our own!
What are you going to do to lose weight? The South Beach diet worked really well for me. I'll give you tips if you want. I need to go back on it myself!
GL Jodi! I want to see you have a baby as well!